chelsm89's Datingish

It's The Way That He's In Your Mind;

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:46:00 GMT

We broke up.

We're trying to be friends now. He wants me back. I want him back.

I like someone else though. He knows this. I broke up with him to give R a chance, and now he doesn't even know if he wants to date me. He really likes me though. I miss you K. I still love you.

I'm so confused.

I Want Opinions.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 00:23:59 GMT

Now some of you know the story behind my boyfriend and I..

To make a long story short: we've been dating for over 2 1/2 years, we've had troubles, he's cheated online before, crushed on a best friend at school..

Yea, I know.. I'm a shithead.

I just want to know this: Should I worry when he's talking to other girls he doesn't know on a single's chatroom calling them beautiful, cute, pretty, gorgeous, etc.. "You look so wow" things like that.

I've tried many times to leave him.. I just DONT trust him and I don't know what to do. I'm too weak to leave him.

HELP

The Visit: Aftermath.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:11:58 GMT

He came to stay with me for two whole weeks. One of the weeks my dad was gone on his honeymoon so we had the house to ourselves. It was nice to come home from work, make supper, do the dishes, and watch tv all night long in his arms. To sleep in his arms the entire time. To re-connect and to find the love that we lost.

I fell in love with him all over again.

We rarely fought during the time he was here. My stress level dramatically decreased. I told myself this visit was going to make-or-break our relationship and it turns out (thus far) that it made it. Being with him again was everything to me, it made me feel safe and wanted. The things I don't feel when I'm not with him. I feel loneliness when he's away.

And now? Call it the medication talking but I find myself surprisingly relaxed and content. I'll be heading back to school in a week and he heads back this Sunday. We'll both pick up our lives and regain our busy schedules like we had last year. We'll drift apart as always and come back to each other once we've realized that we do indeed have a significant other somewhere in this New England region. It's a vicious cycle that never ceases to exist between him and I.

I now sit and wait for Thanksgiving to roll around in hopes that I will spend it with him this year. That was the plan for last year but my accident came into play and ruined that one. I ended up spending it alone in the hospital. I don't want that this year. I want to spend it with him and his family. I want them to like me and see what he has. I want to know the family more and know what I'm in for if marriage ever enters our lives. The talk of marriage slips from his vocabulary now. It's like it's this some unrealistic dream far off in another world. We used to talk about marriage all the time. Call me crazy, call me young, but I always felt that we would end up marrying one another. Now I'm not so sure. The only thing I'm sure about anymore is that I love him.. right now. At this moment, he is my boyfriend and I am his girlfriend. Our relationship is a pause-play relationship. It's on pause until we see each other (which is every couple of months). We went 5 months this last time. Now we're hoping for only 3.

I have to do this for 3 more years of my life..

A break from the ordinary.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 02:38:19 GMT

A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:

(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

(C) Respond to the below, then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything.

Bold the things that apply to you, add your own, and pass it on.
001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to.
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've tried marijuana.
009. I've watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
013 I have acne free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been told I have a nice butt.
019. I used to carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning .
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I have regretted something.
035. I have a twin.
036. I have an obsession with a man.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
048. I think that I'm popular.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex. (nothing serious)
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my xanga
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
064. I hate football
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
066. I have been hospitalized
067. I enjoy Jack Daniels
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future. (idk)
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have tried alcohol before.
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.
086. I have avoided assignments to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend.
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody you have never met
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Lost."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think ramen is the best kind of food in the whole world
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it.
119. I don't change who I am for someone else.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I am a Senior in High School.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have gastritis.
124. I have nothing better to do with my time.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Most people call me by my middle name.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. Pi confuses me.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have had mono.
132. I dont have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm only wearing underwear.
135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. I've driven to a different state to see a band I like.
137. I'm more honest with others than I am with myself
138. I have been addicted to an illegal substance before.
139. I have to pee.
140. I believe everyone has something to show
141. People are inherently evil.
142. Scents trigger vivid memories for me.
143. I like classical music
144. I love Jesus
145. I'm a neat and organized person
146. I am NOT a virgin.
147. I've been to Italy.

My little butterfly.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:46:39 GMT

I don't want to think about the negative. All the positive's have been coming out lately. With one small negative it seems to be all I think about.

You're easily distracted away from me.

It's something I can't stand and never could. You leap away just when I think I have a firm grasp on you.
You silly little butterfly.
I crave attention. You know this. And yet, you've done everything to give me otherwise. I understand you're busy and stressed out so I pour out my heart to you and I get a simple "Aww, I know." for the most part. And you know what, my love? It pisses me off. You're so cold lately. Unintentionally I feel.
I know you're struggling. Pushing me to the back of the line doesn't make anything easier on you, does it? It kills me. You claim you love me and me alone and I believe you. Or maybe I believed you. Lately I'm not so sure.
You are my first boyfriend.
First kiss.
First lover.
First love.
You say that someday I'll be your first wife. Your only wife. We're so young and I never cared before.
We used to have our whole life planned to the T.
Our dream home.
The basement is yours and yours alone but I can do whatever I want with the rest of the house.
"I'll give you anything and everything you've ever wanted."
Our love is such a Notebook cliche and we've always loved it.
And now- nothing can be planned.
Life is never set in stone.

Never.

This I've learned this past year. So many hardships have been tossed into our lap. You almost lost me to the accident. I remember you said once you received the phone call that I was hit you couldn't even go to work. You were a shaking, nervous wreck. And then I left with a bump on the head, broken leg, shooken up, bruised body of an 18 year old girl. Once I was re-emitted four days later, the doctors told me I was hours away from death. I cried out to you and there you were. You slept with me in that hospital for a few nights that week. I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world despite my two near rushes with death in one week.
I regained myself and limped on home for two months. Again, you remained by my side. You've always answered my call when I needed you. Always.

So now I call out once more. To test how strong our love once was and could remain. I'm calling out to you to come home.

I'm waiting for a response..

An Increase In Frustration.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 22:12:49 GMT

"You seem really happy for some reason."
"Yea, it's an act."
"I figured, what's going on?"
"There's something I have to tell you."
I froze.
"What?..."
"I think I have feelings for [his best friend- a girl]."
....

My heart sank to the very pits of my stomach.

"Please say something."
"...."
"I still love you very much and I want us to keep working. This is probably just a harmless crush. She likes someone else and he likes her back. Nothing's gonna happen between us. I love you."

I can't even begin to explain how I'm feeling right now. I know I feel sadness, betrayal, jealousy, and all out anger. I can't even bring myself to leave him. I've always told myself that love could conquer anything.
It's getting worse and worse. A friend of mine told me to hold off until I see him next weekend. Maybe the both of us being face-to-face and seeing each other for the first time in a long time will help us. Working things out in person. Maybe the distance is just bothering us and we need time together.

Maybe he's playing me as a fool.
Maybe.

I'm running out of answers..

Mental Chaos.

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 21:33:46 GMT

My life is a train wreck. One bad thing after another for like a year now. It's getting worse and worse and I can't bear it any longer. The doctor's finally woke up and realized it all now why can't he?
Everything goes smoothly then BAM! He feels I'm getting too clingy. CLINGY?! How the fuck can I be clingy from hundreds of miles away? When he's too busy to talk I don't get mad. I do ask when he's available to talk so we CAN talk.. I didn't find that clingy. He says he likes his space. He wants it until he comes here next weekend when we can work it out in person. I honestly feel like he's either doing it for a booty call (which is something he wouldn't do) or just to see me one last time then dump my ass. Does that seem possible to you? It does to me. I just miss him and want to talk to him, I don't find that clingy. What pisses me off the most is he'll hang up with me even if I'm still bawling my eyes out. If I were him I'd wait until I had calmed down and was more relaxed but not him. I'll be choking and crying until I can't speak and he'll STILL fucking hang up with me. Which is just what he did. The words I'm typing are blurry.

I'm mad. Can't you tell?

He just doesn't understand. I told him I needed to talk to him. I've been having a rough past couple of days with doctors and everything and I needed to talk to him.. just because of that I guess I got on his nerves even though I never once got mad at him for being too busy to talk. Everyone tells me to just leave him but I can't. Slowly he's killing me though, I can feel it. I've put 2 1/2 years into this and I'm slowly dying. He confuses the fuck out of me. He loves me and wants to work it out but yet he also says "this fighting is getting to me, I just don't know what to do anymore."

I'm so angry.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 01:52:40 GMT

I swallow and feel the lump in my throat. It's me holding back tears and trying to pretend like it doesn't bother me that you'd rather fall asleep to your music or alone than on the phone with me. We've been doing that since forever and only now with the "space" we're giving one another comes the end of falling asleep together. You can say "I love you" until you're blue in the face but I still await the end of us.

Someday you'll want to be alone.. maybe.

You swear otherwise. I act brave and say that I know forever cannot be promised anymore considering how battered and bruised and worn at the seems our relationship is.
You have such a drive- such a desire. You know what life holds for you and you don't care about how you're gonna get there. I've always loved that about you. So ambitious and so goal-oriented. With this I've finally realized something- Where does this leave me? I have dreams, I have a future. I have to sacrifice all I could ever be to satisfy your needs? I've always said I'd do anything and give anything to be with you. I'm lost for words. My future terrifies me more than it ever has. The more I hate to admit it to myself and to you, the more I realize that we're living two separate lives that will never intertwine. So I try not to blame myself because I'm the one who said I would follow and I would sacrifice. I just feel like nothing will benefit me from all of this.

Your supper will be wrapped up in the refrigerator for you when you finally arrive home, if at all. I'll be lying in bed reminding myself that this is what I wanted.

A life with a man whose never home.

Don't Let Me Down.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 17:50:46 GMT

I contacted him Friday night. I texted him saying "So I figured I would make the first move and say that I miss you. I really wanna talk soon." He responded saying he was busy that night so we would talk Saturday. Eventually late Saturday night we spoke. I was numb. It had been almost a week since I had heard his voice after growing so accustomed to speaking to him every night. There were no arguments and no harsh words being thrown around. Just a couple of people talking to one another which is what it felt like: friends. Then he told me he loved me and still wanted to come visit me in August. I froze. Hearing those three words meant everything to me. He still loves me. I was happy again. I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. I haven't had this crazy feeling in months now. It feels.. amazing. Too amazing. We were SO good when we first started off.. like it always is. The first year and a half were perfect: no flaws, no fights, just love. Then he decided to make a mistake. He went to far in an internet conversation with a classmate and I found out. The things he was saying to her made me sick to my stomach. Romantic things, sexual things, dirty things. He called her beautiful. Beautiful. That was my word. The one word he reserved for me and me alone.

"Other girls out there may be pretty but you're beautiful."

I told myself I could forgive him since it wasn't anything physical (from what I know of) so I tried. I kept trying and trying and fighting kept growing with every conversation we had, every visit we had, everything. So it finally came to this point where we gave each other our space. And now, a little over a week later, we are talking again and I can feel my love growing for him all over again. But this time I'm more cautious. I'm not gonna let my love for him blind me from his actions.

Taking it slow.

He'll be here in two weeks and I hope it works out. I hope it's not crazy like it has been. There's too much going on then and I don't want this to be a part of it. I love him, I really do. So now that we're talking again and I'm taking things slow, I hope he doesn't let me down like he has before.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 01:23:15 GMT

I'm so angry at you.

For making me fall in love with you for so long.
For giving myself to you.
For giving everything I ever was.
And for you to turn around and completely ignore me like this.
3 days and 3 nights.
Long and endless.
These days have been dragging on and on.
The time seems to stand still.
I hate you for playing these childish games with me.
I thought I knew you.
And I'm angry at myself for thinking that way.